It’s time for an honest post. I write from the heart and I write the truth. But still don’t we tend to use social media to our advantage? Whether it’s blogging, Facebook, Twitter, or whatever else is the current fad, we post happy thoughts, accomplishments, proud moments, and other stuff that solicits smiles and laughs. Well guess what folks? Let’s get real. Life is difficult. Marriage is hard. Raising children is harder. Sometimes everything just stinks. Every single day I fail at marriage and children. Seriously. You guys read the good stuff. But this is not the fluff. This is the real me.
I love my husband and my children. But I am not an ideal housewife or mom. I hate cooking. I love a clean house, but I gave up on that idea after kid number three, and now we have four, so it’s even worse… However I love shopping ;-) I have no patience. I am not consistent. I like living in the moment. Humans get on my nerves. If my kids have an attitude, it’s probably my fault. Do I like myself? Sometimes. I take medication to deal with my anxiety, although lately it doesn’t seem to be working as well. Thank goodness for Klonopin. My meds are over-the-counter here in Mexico. Whoo hoo for that! My ADHD is so disturbing, I can’t think straight half the time and I really can’t afford the meds for that too. I am overwhelmed with projects that I want to accomplish but keep putting off. I feel fat and I am out-of-shape at 142 pounds. I have little energy probably because I don’t exercise or eat right. My husband runs circles around me despite having a disability due to a brain injury. So does my mother, and she’s in her early 60’s. I am a wee 35. Love you, Mom.
I don’t like taking the time to read to my kids. I force myself to do it. I played Barbie once with kid number two in 9 years. I am so glad my kids have each other as playmates. Our kids watch too much TV and play on their tablets wayyy too much, but in our defense, we have recently set some major limits on TV time and removed all the games from the tablets. Frankly, I can be selfish and I want to fly. By that I mean I sometimes feel trapped, like a caged animal. Do I regret my family? No. They are beautiful and the decisions were mine. It’s me. I dislike homeschooling too. Yep. It’s true. I love being with my kids and yet… I want to send them away. Just for a few hours. Mommy needs alone time. I stink at teaching. That is why we use an online curriculum. 4 × 5 + 456 ÷ 8 – 79. Who cares? Use a calculator. Unschooling? Sounds great. For my kids? Not full-time.They need direction. Their Dad helps them with math, and I help them stay focused and on track. “No, you may not have water. No, you may not have a 30 minute break after only an hour. No, you may not eat in the school room. No, no, no. Sit down and do school!”
I was way too hard with my eldest two kids and now I am being too lax with my youngest two. Kid number 3 runs around the house screaming in anger, and I ignore him. Probably not the best way to parent. My husband is a giant help especially since he is a stay-at-home dad. I feel like a lazy slob who can’t manage her home. My big dreams of being super mom have fizzled and died. Real life is taking a toll. I was spoiled in the States with grandparents who loved babysitting the kids. We had occasional long weekends of freedom and much needed parent vacations. I missed my babies when they were gone but we all needed the break, kids too. We don’t have that here. Don’t get me wrong we have date night once a month and we have friends that help as needed but it’s nothing like doting grandparents. Love you twice, Mom and Dad.
So here I am in Mexico, living the good life, and it’s not perfect. It’s a perfect mess. Sometimes I force myself to get off my tush and do the laundry, when I would rather be on my laptop. Sometimes I don’t and I have to rewash a load because it smells like wet dog. I yell and lose my temper, and then I feel bad and have to apologize to my kids. I hide in the bathroom and play Hay Day, for some mommy down time. I wear a hat on those days when I wasn’t able to wash my greasy hair and I still need to look presentable. I seldom shave in the cooler months and make-up is a real treat. Today my hubby asked me why I was being crabby and mean. Honestly I don’t know. I was just in a mood. I had to apologize… again.
I am happy in Mexico and I am not complaining. I don’t want sympathy. I simply don’t always possess the confidence that I may ooze. I am good at smiling but there are clearly up and downs. I believe that happiness is a state of mind and we need to make the best of our life. I am a real person just like you. I make mistakes and I have regrets. I have many, many things to improve. My kids and my husband love me but they do not always like me. But hey, it’s all good. I have not given up yet and I am blessed. This I know, although I often have to remind myself. Maybe my life isn’t what I imagined at 18, but it’s turned out pretty cool despite my craziness, and many unforeseen events. So what? I am not the ideal housewife or mom. I will never be Martha Stewart or Rachel Ray. I am not fake. I am me. I am trying, if not always succeeding, and tomorrow is another day. Signing off, Tina
P.S. This article led to another post along similar lines for SheKnows. You can find that here: 10 Reasons I am Not a Supermommy – And I Don’t Care To Be