UPDATE 7/9/18 – It has been over six years since my miscarriage of Baby Four. The pain is still here but it has faded with time. I was very happy to find out we were pregnant with our 5th child in late 2012. A beautiful and happy baby boy was born to us in May 2013. Tristan is my rainbow baby and I am so grateful for him and our three other living children. I was hesitant to reshare this old story but I thought it might help others in this situation know they aren’t alone. Have a lovely day wherever you are in the world, Tina
I have been going over and over this blog post, trying to figure out what to say and trying not to be a complete emotional mess. I thought this would be good therapy for me and we would have our story on paper about Baby Four. Our baby that we can’t hug or kiss or tell I love you because we lost him or her to a miscarriage. Well, that last sentence just brought on some big crocodile tears. I guess I still need to cry every once in a while. Even though I am sad, I am happy in a small way, because I had the opportunity to carry another person in my tummy even if it was only for a few short weeks. I love all my children. All four of them. Even the one I never met.
I have been trying very hard to be okay for our three beautiful living children. Alexis is eight and she is our little actress. Taylor is six and she is our silly blond, like her mom. Taylor has cried with me over Baby Four’s death. She is very protective of her babies. Sawyer is seventeen months. He already loves balls, wheels, and throwing things across the room. He smiles and laughs all the time. All of our children are happy, little people. They are my life and my greatest gifts. I need to be strong for them and I will be. I love them so much. They are awesome.
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The story starts on January 24th. I discovered I was pregnant with our fourth baby at my annual exam. I was nursing, I was on the mini-pill, we used back-up, and I just had my first getting back to normal period in 21 months. This is crazy! I am fertile Myrtle and Brad has super-sperm. This explains the recent night sweats and other weird sensations. I cried. I called my husband. I called my dad. I cried more. I don’t want to talk about it. This is too soon. Bradley is going to have a heart attack! I want my body back. I need to lose 25 pounds! I don’t want two babies again. Our girls are nineteen months apart. Sawyer and Baby Four would be twenty-one months apart. We just bought a Camry to save gas. Where will we put the new kid?! Four kids! We can’t have four kids! I was negative. I was moody and hot-tempered. I was psycho. Seriously. I had to stop my medication so that Baby Four would be healthy. I was a hormonal pregnant woman and I was off my calming meds. The family was in for some serious crazy Momma.
But then…. I started thinking happy thoughts about having another little Ernspiker baby. I always wanted a bunch of kids. We were waiting for a better time but babies happen! Brad quickly bought a van so that we would have room for everyone. Sawyer would have a playmate. Taylor wouldn’t be the middle child. The girls were happy and excited. They are the best big sisters. This was a blessing. I can not wait to feel the kicks and the hiccups! Was it going to be a boy or girl? What would it look like? Could I have a natural birth again? Would my mom and mom-in-law like to be in the room to greet their fourth grandchild? I love being a Mommy. It’s the hardest job I ever had but also the most rewarding. We could handle one more, with lots of prayer and lots of love. Double diapers and one on each hip…. So what? It was another beautiful baby.
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Then our baby died. The little seed stopped growing at five weeks. I was eight weeks pregnant when the miscarriage started. February 27th, the day we were supposed to hear the baby’s heartbeat, we were told this pregnancy wasn’t viable. A blighted ovum they said. It didn’t matter to us what they called it. We believe in life at conception and this was our baby. We decided to miscarry naturally and avoid surgery. Looking back, I think it would have been easier for me to have a D&C. Easier than losing my baby in pieces over an eight week period. I remember seeing the small opaque bubble when it left my body. On April 18th, a pregnancy hormone called hCG was still present in my blood but the number was extremely low. Finally. I was so tired of the nurses sticking needles in my arms. Needless to say, this whole miscarriage experience has been both mentally, physically, and emotionally traumatizing.
Why did this happen to me? I had three easy pregnancies and uncomplicated births. What was the problem? We will never know. I try to tell myself our baby was only a little seed and that I am glad this miscarriage happened early in the pregnancy rather than later on. But that doesn’t help me feel better. I should be twenty-three weeks pregnant with a round belly and a little squirmy boy or girl inside me. I feel empty inside. I wish I could travel back in a time machine and fix everything. But I can’t change anything.
I want to take all my negative feelings about being pregnant for the fourth time and erase them from my mind. Babies are bundles of joy and children are the future, right? They are energy, giggles, and fart noises. They are smart and innocent little people, even though sometimes, they drive you nuts. Like right now. Alexis is calling for me to turn on her bedtime music, even though Mommy is across the house trying to write a difficult blog. But it’s okay. I would give almost anything to have my baby back. That is one lesson I learned the hard way. Appreciate your children. Don’t take them for granted. Don’t view God’s gift in a negative light. Apologize when you are wrong. Tell your kids you love them every day, because tomorrow life could throw you a curveball and you might strike out.
Live, Laugh, Love, and Learn. Signing off, Tina
Originally posted May 28, 2012
A ridiculous amount of coffee was consumed in the process of creating this project. Add some fuel if you'd like to keep me going ;-) Gracias!